Patowan

ya boi here, its 4 am
i am a guy
boy
man
dude
whatever
im gonna use he/him but if you use they and you dont know its cool. but please try to use he/him

(Minor abuse/manipulation tw on the third part, just in case that effects anyone.)

So!! I was only gone for a very brief period of time, during most of which I’ve been sick as fuck, but a whole lot happened.

First off, I officially have the absolute most amazing and wonderful girlfriend in the world. I love her with all of my heart, if not more, and I want her to have the absolute best life, in every way possible, and I would do anything for her—and I know she feels the same way towards me. She’s incredibly accepting of all of who I am, and honestly, just being near her makes me feel like I’m literally glowing with happiness. We’ve only known each other since August, but it feels like I’ve known her forever. Even back when we had just become friends, we probably honestly acted like a couple, constantly hugging and spending as much time together as possible. She’s honestly everything I could ever want in a relationship, and more. She’s beautiful, kind, affectionate as fuck, she wants us to have a future together (even if it would mean as just friends), and she’s just as invested in our relationship as me.

Second, I’m just going to go ahead and come out as genderfluid (which does have the possibility of changing, anywhere in the distant to near future), which I feel like fits me a lot better than just generally nonbinary. I’m still going to continue to go by Dakota or Pato/Patowan, as I still strongly dislike my birthname and feminine names the vast majority of the time, and male or strongly masculine names fairly often as well, and I’ll probably still use they/them pronouns, just to avoid over-complicating things. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t ever have a much more feminine or even female day, or that I don’t ever want to be amab. What it does mean is that it just changes so often that I want to make it easier for everyone, including myself.

Third, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, and I won’t go into too much detail to avoid triggering anyone, but I’ve recently finally gotten out of the majority of bad situations I’ve been in. I’m not yet completely safe and 100% mentally healthy, but good lord, am I doing better. I have a good, positive, supporting friend group, both online and not, and have entirely left behind the one which had a manipulative, toxic, borderline abusive boy, who was constantly trying to guilt trip me into becoming exactly how he wanted me to be, wanted to drive me away from all of my friends who would dislike him, so I’d have to listen to and rely on only him, and also attempted to force me to date him—and constantly made me uncomfortable by trying to force things you’d only do with someone you were dating on me.
There are still some very real, very negative effects left over from that, primarily, trust issues, especially the fact that I do *not* trust most men anymore, and just having a guy make the slightest physical contact with me makes me uncomfortable.
On the bright side, I now will absolutely not tolerate manipulative or toxic people in the slightest, and can finally see how bad I was when I was younger, which I want to sincerely apologize for. I’ll make a separate post later, but I don’t expect to be instantly forgiven by anyone, and it’s completely fair if some people will never entirely trust me. I understand that completely, and will not feel worse about myself because of it.

Fourth and finally, I have a new phone, new fandoms, a new art style, and a lot more motivation and confidence. I can keep dA on my phone now, and I’ll begin posting even sketches, just to try to be active again. I miss how I used to be on here.

If you read all of this, then thank you. It’s a long journal, but it means a lot to me that someone would take that time to read through a post by someone who they’ve never even met in person.

I'm back from a way-too-long hiatus with a couple of new characters, and plenty of new content! I'll likely have a burst of lots of activity that'll die off pretty quickly, since there's no longer enough room on my phone for deviantArt, and I'm having to make this from a computer, which also means I probably won't be replying to comments much. If you need me, message me on tumblr (patowan).
But, anyway, by the end of the week, I should have posted, at the very least:
-A revised first chapter of Moria Ravenswoop
-The first four chapters of a new story
-The first chapter of another new story, and maybe the second, too
-A few new oc drawings
-A Nyo!PruCan sketch
-Maybe a Hetalia shitpost-type thing, it depends
-Hetalia ship children (AusHun, AmeriPan, and USUK, which was for a friend) made from a face morpher

See y'all later!

hey, if I'm not myself for a while, it's because both my great-grandmother and one of my cats passed away this week, and who knows what other shit is going to happen

So, it's been a year since I joined this fandom. A whole year of ships changing.. For example, I started out shipping USUK, Prucan, Giripan, Gerita, Spamano, Dennor, Sufin, etc.. And I hated PruHun and FrUK.
Meanwhile, now, I typically prefer FACE family, don't really ship USUK at all, and think that Chibi PruHun honestly would be cute.. Like a first crush kind of thing.
I've also written/started and abandoned a few oneshots, sobbed over fanfics, freaking screamed at my phone while watching a HetaOni gameplay.. Typical Hetalian stuff. I've cosplayed with and without my best friend (though always with my little sister), planned (but not quite started) a Hamiltalia cover project, and had the same ongoing super angsty roleplay since November with my best friend. Of course, Wisp and I will always be the Prussia Duo.. I've made Hetalia email accounts, I briefly ran a Nyo!PruCan ask blog with KT.. I once edited France's face onto a photo of a frog, and put a screenshot of Drunk!England over a screenshot of Elsa in Let It Go..
Basically, I've done a LOT of stuff.
This fandom is both horrible and amazing. My friends Wisp (PerformHero) and Mlg introduced me to this anime, and I dragged my best friend and sister into it.
I don't really have time to draw anything at the moment, as there's some stuff going on with my family, but I'll try to do something with my favorite characters next chance I get.
Thank you, Wisp and Mlg, for getting me to watch Hetalia a year ago. You guys are almost as awesome as Prussia. (my autocorrect just changed that to dead)